7 People

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When I was in high school I struggled with keeping a friend group and never felt I had a place of belonging. I reached out to my Young Life leader to get coffee and talk about this one day. He took out a sheet of paper from his notebook and made a T chart. "I'll never ask you to do anything that I wouldn't do myself," Jack said. He numbered the margin from 1-7 and asked me to write down the 7 people I am closest to, not including my family. He said the way I number the people didn’t matter, and family was excluded from the list because they are a permanent part of one’s life, unlike friends who could leave you at any moment.

Initially I thought that coming up with seven people wouldn't be that hard, but I was wrong. The first person that came to mind was my friend Catherine, who I've been best friends with since 6th grade. Then I listed off a couple high school and cheer friends. I was at 5. I didn’t really have 7 people I could put down. He comforted me saying it was okay and that I should still try my best to fill out the list, so I jotted down 2 other cheer friends even though I wasn't that close with them. As I looked at my list, I realized that many of these friendships were not the rooted relationships I was craving.

Jack took the same sheet of paper and started listing out his 7 closest friends. The first person that came to mind was his fiancĂ©. Then he listed some high school and Young Life friends. He explained to me how he met all these people, what he has in common with them, and what he does to keep connected with them. Some of the friends he listed live states away from him, but one of them makes a road trip down to see the other every month to keep in contact. 

I told Jack that I was frustrated that I didn’t have 7 close friends. I had a difficult high school experience, felt lonely, and needed advice. "Why 7?" I asked. He explained that in order to live life fully people need valuable friendships. People need to give and receive love deeply, not widely. This is huge. 7 is just the right number to allow yourself to have a various yet deep friendships. Depending on how someone manages their time, this number could fluctuate between 5-9. Of course, these are just numbers that vary, but he consciously maintains 7 deep friendships which works strongly for him.

Many people go through life with hundreds or even thousands of followers on their social media accounts and contacts on their phone but are still left feeling empty inside. These people aren't being loved deeply but rather widely. These people "love" each other by just scratching the surface and not expanding their relationships to a meaningful level.

I learned that people want to be fully loved and yet fully known. People fear that if their darkest secrets or insecurities are exposed, people could not possibly love all of them. On the other hand, people believe that to be fully accepted and loved, they must hide parts of themselves. None of this is deep love. Deep love is being completely vulnerable with someone and receiving nothing but uncritical acceptance and love.

Ever since this conversation with Jack in high school, I have always kept this "7 People" lesson in the back of my mind. At the time, I struggled with merely coming up with 7 friends to write down and felt extremely lonely. Having a couple friends is still significant, but you can still be left feeling lonesome. You will not be your friends’ only friend and therefore they will never be able to give you as much attention and love as you desire.

In college, I have the opposite problem. I started embracing my true social self which allowed me to know a lot of people. One of college’s functions is to expand one’s social and professional network. However, not all of these people can be your friends, and I struggled with that. Unfortunately, we do not have time to build deep relationships with everyone which is why we must choose the friends we want to invest our time in and pour into. That’s how we will give and receive deep love.

Sometimes I write down the 7 people that I think I am closest to on a sheet of paper and see if I am maintaining meaningful relationships with them. If not, I try to get in touch with them more. This exercise also allows me to see who I am currently close to and who I want to become closer to. I then usually make a game plan of how I want to become closer with these people such as inviting them to lunch. Grabbing lunch with someone is such a small gesture but can go a long way because it allows people to talk and open up.

Your friends are truly important because they shape the person you are. Motivational speaker, Jim Rohn said, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” There is so much truth to this, so you should spend your time with people who are going to pour deep love into you. Seek out friendships that won't always be easy because they will challenge you and make you grow. Seek out friendships that are accepting of you and never make your worry about being judged. Seek out friendships that are encouraging and make you lose track of time because you are having so much fun. This is the road to finding a place of belonging, acceptance, and deep love.



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